On Writing and Mothering

Lately, when finishing a book, I actually read through the acknowledgements. (My husband tells me that no one actually does this except writers, but I digress…)

Anyway, I’ve noticed a trend:

The female authors – those with kids – all seem to include a paragraph thanking their spouse profusely for watching the kids sometimes so they could write.

As a mother, I nod along with this. I can totally relate. It feels like a betrayal to my family sometimes, when I shut myself away and let my husband tackle parenting so I can get some words on the page.

So, I nod and smile, and think, “It’s good to know I’m not alone in this struggle.” And then, “She managed it, so maybe I can too.”

But then there’s another trend:

The male authors – those with kids – don’t often say things like “Thank you (insert wife’s name) for wrangling the kids so many times so I could sneak away and write.” They will often thank their spouses/partners, but not in the “thank you for taking on *my* responsibilities to *our* kids so I could write,” kind of way.

Ugh.

So, I’m not going to explain what that means, because come on – as women, we already know what’s going on here.

Female writers – you are writers. To be a writer means you have to write.

Own it.

Don’t apologize for it.

Absolutely appreciate your partners because if they are supporting you, that’s excellent and worth appreciating. But don’t feel guilty, because you are allowed to be a complete person too.  

(Also, men – thank your spouses for “wrangling the kids”.)

So, all of that said, I’ve come up with some advice on maximizing writing time while parenting: (Note: All of my advice is just me completely winging everything and then pretending I know what I’ve doing.)

There are days where I just cannot find the time to write. Being a mother is hard, and being a mother of children with special health needs is extra time-consuming. Sometimes it just doesn’t happen.

The temptation, of course, because we are dedicated to our kids and they do come first, is to put your own needs on the back burner all of the time.

There is always someone who needs you. Always something that needs doing. Always always always. I can’t recall a single time in the eight and a half years that I have been a mother, where I have looked around and thought, “wow, there’s nothing that needs doing!”

I love being a mother, more than I’ve ever loved doing anything in my entire life. But I have other loves as well. And nurturing those… well, it’s vital. It’s part of being a whole human.

It also sets a good example for your kids.

If you are in love with writing, then you need to find a way to nurture that. Even when you are busy.

Here are the ways I have found to keep writing in my life, even on the busiest days:

Use your cell phone. We always have our phones on us. Most of this post was written while sitting in a waiting room. One thing that we do a lot as parents is wait around. I wait around for my daughter in gymnastics class. My other daughter while she is in skating lessons. It’s different for every person, but the point is, when you’re waiting around for your kid to get done with xyz, instead of whipping out your phone and scrolling mindlessly through Facebook, jot down some notes for your current novel. Or write down a scene that’s been bouncing around in your head. Or read through something you’ve written and try and view it in a new light. Read posts by other writers to gain inspiration. Use a writing prompt and just go – see how far you get. It’s tempting to just scroll through social media, but part of being successful at writing is disciplining yourself to actually do it.

Listen to music that inspires you. If we tally up all the time we spend traveling from one place to another, it adds up to quite a bit. Music is a wonderful companion for those times, and the right music can inspire new ideas. Depending on what I’m writing, I always have a playlist in my head. I put those songs on while driving from here to there, and because my brain is occupied, my creative mind is also relaxed enough that it sloshes out new ideas. Some of my best ideas have come to me while driving from place to place and listening to music. Just don’t forget to jot them down. I keep a little notebook and pen in my glove compartment for this.

Family writing time. This works for me because my children are creatives. They write stories as well, and so sometimes (when the toddler is napping), we plan to have “creative time”, and share our work afterwards. I can get in a good 1.5 to 2 hours of writing this way.

Schedule writing time. This is the biggie.

For many of us, this is easier said and done. It’s easier if you

a. Have a supportive partner/support system,

and/or

b. If you have childcare.

Fortunately for me, I have both. As women, and especially as mothers, it can be DIFFICULT to assert our needs. Even more so when that need is time to be creative. For me to actually get something done, I need a good 2/3 uninterrupted hours at a minimum, to get in the “zone”. (Once I’m there, I’m THERE, and it’s a struggle to come back to reality.)

As a busy person, the best way to accomplish finding hours of interrupted time is to schedule it. For me, that means asking my partner or my mother, or another close family member to hang out with the kids while I take alone time. Sometimes this can be accomplished at home. Other times I have to physically leave the house and go write at the library or somewhere else. Whether you are writing for yourself, or you are trying to make a career of it, this time is self-care. You owe it to yourself to take the time to practice your craft. If you are hoping to write professionally, this is especially important.

If it’s a job, treat it like a job.

I wonder how many more incredible female writers we would have if we valued ourselves more. If we stopped feeling guilty for being people with our own desires.

A bet a lot.